


bloom for you, die for you

by woozwhy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: College AU, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, i mean there's an alternative ending, implied jeongcheol, kinda implied character death?, lapslock, so i guess it's angst with a happy ending?, swearing jihoon, this is just angst i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 01:12:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9943745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woozwhy/pseuds/woozwhy
Summary: soonyoung is in front of him now, apologizing profusely and asking him if he did anything wrong. that's how jihoon realizes soonyoung is upset too, and there's a pang in his heart - or lungs, he can no longer tell - from knowing that he hurt soonyoung.not loving him back isn't wrong.or: in which jihoon doesn't mind dying, if it means he dies loving soonyoung.[inspired by dead or alive by high4]





	1. dead or alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [uji_hoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uji_hoon/gifts).



"welcome to blossoming! how may i help you?"

lee jihoon cannot perceive how this boy could be so cheerful, even though it's seven on a saturday morning and he himself wants to throw up on everything vaguely beautiful or cheerful at the thought of being up at this godforsaken hour. to hell with jeonghan and his need to get flowers for his brunch date, and his decision to wake jihoon up to get his to get flowers as he settles god knows what.

"i need flowers for a date... and a fuck you bouquet?" he adds as an afterthought.

the florist's smile widens mischievously, and jihoon is rather surprised that it could be any wider. "follow me." he sits on the counter and swings his legs across, before hopping off and stumbling as he trips on his own feet. jihoon stifles his laughter at the boy's clumsiness, and he smiles back in embarrassment as he grabs a small woven basket.

"for the fuck you bouquet, you're going to want some geraniums, for stupidity," he says as he studies the geraniums, picking the prettiest ones. personally, jihoon would pick the wilting ones, but he guesses it's more passive aggressive this way. "then, some meadowsweets for uselessness, and orange lilies for hatred. lastly, you'll need cardamines, which means paternal error. and for your date, i recommend red carnations, but it's really up to you."

"red carnations?"

"they're over here!" he says, and he grabs jihoon's wrist before showing his the way, a completely unnecessary gesture leaving his flustered. "they mean deep love and affection. i make sure to always have them stocked, because they're honestly so much better than roses. i mean, you could get roses too, i'm not stopping you, but... i should stop talking."

jihoon finds himself smiling softly at his enthusiasm over flowers. "it's alright. could you help me pick them? i don't have the eye for it."

"of course! oh, i haven't actually introduced myself, and i was dragging you around. i'm sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable! the name's soonyoung."

"it's okay. my name's jihoon."

for some reason, soonyoung's stupid lopsided grin and enthusiasm warms jihoon's heart as it drizzles outside, and he wonders if he'll ever see him again.

(for the first time in the 20 years of knowing lee jihoon, jeonghan sees him walking around the house at 8am, a small smile playing on his lips. he's not sure who's making the grouchy, sleep-deprived lee jihoon this happy, but he feels jihoon definitely needs them in his life, and maybe he'll finally stop sulking everyday.)

  
jihoon isn't in too bad a mood, all things considering. though, that doesn't change the fact that he is this close to splashing his coffee at anyone who gets in his way today. it's not as if it's good coffee anyway, it's cheap coffee from mcdonalds which tastes like acidic bean water, so it wouldn't really be a waste.

everyone already in the lecture hall is mostly quiet, but he's not surprised. it's always like this. the day an assignment is due, most of the students would be visibly exhausted. in fact, it's not a rare occurrence to see a third of the lecture hall asleep halfway into the lesson. just because it's quiet, it doesn't mean that something else won't piss him off, and that something else is a hoodie wearing bastard in his fucking seat. he's been awake for less than three hours, and his day keeps progressively shittier. first of all, his goddamn alarm clock didn't ring, so he didn't have time to brew decent coffee at home and instead had to grab shitty ass coffee from mcdonalds. then, a fucking asshole of a driver nearly knocked into him, and to top it all off, he's running on two hours of sleep because he stayed up most of the night writing the damn essay due today.

"look, i know that we don't have assigned seating whatsoever, but i've been sitting here since the start of the course. it's been two months. so, will you please kindly get the fuck out of my seat before i spill coffee onto you?"

the boy doesn't even reply, what a fucking dick. jihoon is so close to pouring his coffee on him to get his attention, but instead restrains himself and instead taps his shoulder. the boy looks at him sleepily, taking out his earpiece. "i'm sorry, what is it?"

right, it's fucking kwon soonyoung. he's now even more annoyed, because he can't find it in himself to be mad at the boy. he sighs, and mutters a soft "you're in my seat." soonyoung smiles apologetically at him before shifting one seat down, but this is not exactly what jihoon meant. he's too used to sitting alone in this row, since it only has two seats, and jihoon isn't exactly the most sociable person. if he sits somewhere else in the already filling lecture hall he's sure to have someone sitting next to him anyway, so he sucks it up and sits next to soonyoung.

soonyoung looks like death. he literally looks like a corpse in his grey hoodie, yet he's still smiling at him? jihoon can never fucking understand anything anymore. the only thing he knows is that serialism is a method or technique of musical composition that uses a series of values to manipulate different musical elements and that he is definitely too used to pulling all nighters for it to be normal. as the lesson passes, he notices soonyoung's handwriting get sloppier and sloppier, until he finally gives up and is fully knocked out on the shitty tiny desk in the lecture theatre. not that he was watching him. it's just hard to not notice the person next to him. he doesn't blame soonyoung for falling asleep in the lecture. after all, he's definitely a hardworking person. he's probably an overworked person too. lee jihoon just pulls up soonyoung's hoodie for him and goes back to taking notes, trying to make them as neat as possible.

once the lesson ends, he watches as students scramble to leave the class and soonyoung is still fucking sleeping through the noise everyone is making. once the hall is almost fully empty, he taps soonyoung on the shoulder gently. "you fell asleep," he says matter-of-factly as soonyoung rubs his eyes sleepily at him.

"no shit. thanks for waking me up, though. and not ratting me out to the teacher."

"do you... give me your number. i'll scan you my notes and send them to you."

"really? holy shit, you're like a walking angel, thank you so much! you're tired too right?" jihoon is about to say no, when soonyoung interrupts him. "i can tell from your eyebags." gee, thanks. "tell you what, why don't we get coffee now, and i'll pay in exchange? there's one near the dorms that we can go to!"

jihoon's actually supposed to meet jeonghan for lunch, but it's not as if jeonghan hasn't ditched him for seungcheol-hyung before. besides, it's free coffee- and good coffee at that. so, without thinking twice, jihoon accepts.

soonyoung sits next to him from then on, and it's in between cups of rose tea and mocha and not-so-much-of-a-date study dates that jihoon realizes that he's crushing on soonyoung. he doesn't mind, not one bit.

  
jihoon finds himself lying down on the sofa, swooning over soonyoung and his stupid smile and pretty eyes ("jihoon, i'm quite sure that boys don't have pretty eyes." "fuck you and your gendering of the word pretty, choi seungcheol.") and jeonghan is at the receiving end of all of this. it's odd to have a crush on someone. it feels dizzying to be around soonyoung, a whirlwind of dazzling smiles and shy love and faint blushes. there's something about him which makes him attractive, but jihoon's not sure what exactly is what made his fall for him. maybe it's his positivity, radiating warmth that somehow thawed out his heart, or his pretty little smile, which could convince jihoon to do anything. either way, jihoon was so in love with kwon soonyoung, it was pretty tragic how whipped he was, really.

jeonghan's happy for jihoon, actually. he's rarely seen anyone able to make jihoon so happy, and he knows the best, being his older brother and all. the last time someone like that was in their lives, he broke up with jihoon, saying the cliché excuse of "we're just too young" and "i'm just not ready to be so committed." maybe if he controlled his hormones more, jihoon wouldn't have gotten his heart shattered. maybe he would be more open now, but it doesn't matter, because nothing can be changed. he just hopes soonyoung is able to bring out the best in jihoon.

"hannie, he's an actual fucking angel, holy shit. he literally balances helping his mom out at the florist and schoolwork, and he still finds time to dance. oh my god, he even brought me flowers once because we were meeting for lunch and he was late because he was helping his mom out earlier. you would love soonyoung, hannie- hey! stop rolling your eyes at me." it's the third time in a week he's subjected to listening to jihoon fawn over soonyoung, and it's only tuesday.

"lee jihoon, i swear, you're in love."

"look, it's at most a crush. i've known him for little less than a year, but that's still too short to actually be in love with someone."

the correct answer is yes, he is in love, but he's in denial.

 

jihoon gets out of his denial pretty damn fast, but that's because he's crouching by the toilet at two in the morning and clawing at his throat. it feels like he's choking, like he's swallowing mouthfuls of sand as he's being drowned. he is drowning. it feels like he swallowed a bottle of rat poison, and he is suffering. he throws up, variegated carnation petals are spilling from his lips, and he doesn't know how to react. it's like a fucking fanfiction, except this is actually happening.

all he does is stare at the petals in the toilet bowl. they look just like chrysanthemum petals, and he can't help but scoff. he knows, he knows so damn well who it is that he's fallen for, and he finally breaks into sobs. name the five senses: he can hear jeonghan pounding on the locked door, begging to be let in. it smells like death in the room. he can taste the coppery traces of blood in his mouth, can feel the cold porcelain under his fingertips, can see the stupid handfuls of petals teasing him in the toilet bowl.

when he reaches out and unlocks the door, jeonghan comes crashing in and grabs his face. "what the hell, hoon? who?"

"soonyoung," he chokes out. he chokes. jeonghan is hugging him and he feels so tired. he hates how much he would rather kwon fucking soonyoung be the one holding him. he hates the world more than ever, he hates fate, he hates everything.

wordlessly, jeonghan gently picks him up, and he lets jeonghan carry him back to bed. it feels like he's five again. "are you... going to get rid of it?" jeonghan asks before leaving his room. it is dark and quiet and all jihoon wants to do is cry.

"no, i can't do that to him."

  
his entire workstation has somehow slowly migrated over to his bed. it's like he can't even get out of bed some days, but half the time it's more of not wanting to face reality than anything. he's not bedridden, but he might as well be. there's a small basket on the bedside table which he has gotten used to coughing up petals into. it's getting worse and worse, coughing up more petals more often. jihoon is just so drained, he can barely find any spirit in himself to go back to composing, let alone recording. he misses composing. it's used to be his favorite coping mechanism, but the feeling of the flowers in his lungs is distracting, a constant reminder of his love. a constant reminder of soonyoung.

originally, he thought that if he avoided soonyoung, it wouldn't be so bad. but, his mind is coaxing him to go up to soonyoung every single time he sees him. jihoon doesn't, though, and the flowers in his lungs like to intertwine their stems a little bit tighter every time soomyoung leaves. it's like he can't breathe without soonyoung. call him masochistic, but he'd rather not get his hopes up. he knows soonyoung doesn't love him back, and he's fine with that. he's fine with everything that involves soonyoung, because he really can't find it in himself to blame him.

it's been a week since he started ignoring soonyoung (and throwing up petals). he was expecting soonyoung to back off or lose interest, anything, so long as he'd leave. instead, soonyoung is in front of him now, apologizing profusely and asking him if he did anything wrong. that's how jihoon realizes soonyoung is upset too, and there's a pang in his heart - or lungs, he can no longer tell - from knowing that he hurt soonyoung.

not loving him back isn't wrong.

instead, he tells soonyoung that he wasn't feeling well, still isn't, and would rather soonyoung kind of keep his distance in case he falls sick too. soonyoung just grins stupidly at him before sitting down, saying, "i'm not scared, i've a strong immune system. you can't get rid of me that easily, jihoonie!" the nickname sends his heart fluttering, and he hates it. during the lecture, it's like he never had hanahaki in the first place, swept off his feet by soonyoung and he finds themselves in a little bubble as soonyoung speaks to him in hushed whispers and stifled laughter, trying to make up for that one week without contact. the flowers in his lungs feed off soonyoung's presence, satisfied with whatever they can get.

the next day, he has to stay home the whole day because he's coughing up more petals than ever. the variegated carnation petals are slightly stained with blood, but all jihoon can think about is how soonyoung loves carnations almost as much as he loves dancing, and how upset he would be to see the flowers stained with cinnabar blood. he can't care less that he's slowly dying. he refuses to think about if soonyoung would cry for him if he died. jeonghan is starting to plead with jihoon for him to go for the operation, but jihoon is stubborn and in love, and would rather die than remove the flowers in his lungs.

  
jeonghan doesn't stop trying to convince jihoon. it's like the time jihoon was 15 and he was 16, convincing him to try and go for the talent show their school was holding. or that time jihoon was 19, telling jihoon to not give up his dream school just so that they could be on the same campus. jihoon always relents, always caves in, and jeonghan knows he just has to try harder.

but, today is not the day jihoon will agree, and he is already running late for his part-time shift, so he just hugs jihoon tightly and reminds him that there's broth on the stove before running out. it's around one when someone is pounding on the door. jihoon groans and shuffles out of the room to open it. it's probably jeonghan, who rushed back to check on him during his lunch break but forgot his keys. he does that too much for his own good.

kwon soonyoung is behind the door, and his heart drops, while the flowers in his lungs sing. he's carrying a fucking bouquet of carnations, and he's carrying a bag of something. takeout, it seems. "sorry for dropping by unexpectedly," he says, embarrassed. jihoon can't even find it in himself to complain anymore as he lets soonyoung in. it turns out to be a box of xiao long bao, but it's kind of turned cold by now. "you should go and rest. i can heat your food up for you, don't worry. just go nap on the couch or something, i can handle it." jihoon is too tired to protest, to be honest, so he goes back to his room and immediately knocks out once he gets comfortable under the sheets.

when soonyoung wakes jihoon up, there's a bowl of porridge and a plate of xiao long bao on his bedside table. though, he could swear that he and jeonghan ran out of rice two nights ago. "i remember you said you liked chinese food," soonyoung says as he tries to make himself comfortable on his bed. somehow, soonyoung ends up with his head in jihoon's lap as he eats in bed, and they're talking like nothing happened, skirting around the fact that jihoon has been trying to ignore soonyoung, ignoring him outside of classes. it feels far too right, and jihoon likes it too much. they're not meant to be, and jihoon knows it, but hannie once said they're good together, which worsens everything. the stems twined around his lungs squeeze them at the thought, making both his heart and lungs hurt.

jihoon would like to say he's never wrong. he takes pride in how calculated his actions are, how unlikely he is to fail most of the time. but, today is one of the days that he wishes he was so fucking wrong, because soonyoung just got a call from seokmin and is putting on a coat. "sorry, hoonie. i lost track of time. i'm supposed to be on a date with seokmin now, actually. i hope he's not mad at me!"

"don't date someone who gets mad at you over tiny matters," jihoon says. _don't date seokmin, date me_. "when did you start dating him?"

"he asked me out two days ago, actually. met him at a coffee shop, and he told me a bad pickup line," soonyoung says sheepishly, smiling softly. it's betrayal on so many different levels. he thought they were best friends, or at least close enough for soonyoung to tell him about it. he thought he actually had a chance with soonyoung, but he's now with someone that he's known for less than a week.

"go get him," jihoon says, and soonyoung grins at him and kisses him goodbye on the forehead. his throat itches, and his eyes are watering, so as soon as soonyoung leaves his house, he stumbles into the bathroom. it's all wishful thinking if he ever thought he had a chance with soonyoung, because soonyoung would never love him back, not when he has seokmin.

jihoon also prides himself on the fact that he's never late, unless with a good reason. but, with soonyoung, he's sand slipping through his fingertips, and lee jihoon is far too late.

  
the lessons he has with soonyoung slowly become the nightmare of the week. it's seeing soonyoung and not being able to avoid him or the way his heart races. he can't avoid him, and the carnations bloom slowly as they feed off soonyoung's presence, suffocating him. starving the carnations hurt even more, taking root deeper in his lungs. you either die from suffocation as the petals block your airways, or from the growing pain. jihoon realizes that he doesn't mind dying for soonyoung. he doesn't mind dying if it's soonyoung.

but today, he watches as soonyoung walks up to - no, runs towards - seokmin once they leave the lecture theater together, letting seokmin pepper him with kisses. his bruised and battered lungs hurt, like a million needles pricking them. the petals are tickling his throat, and he finds himself running to the handicap toilet. the petals are fully bloodstained, and it's now that jihoon realizes he no longer has control over his life. he's lost it all to hanahaki, his love slowly poisoning and killing him. he can almost hear jeonghan telling him that he's punishing himself for nothing, to please just get the surgery. but, jihoon is a prisoner to his love, and he has accepted long ago that he'd rather die loving soonyoung than to remove all feelings for him.

there's pounding on the door, before someone pushes it open. jihoon can feel the familiarity of soonyoung's hands on his back as he soothingly rubs circles on his back. if soonyoung wanted, he could probably trace his ribcage and spine with his finger. jihoon wonders if soonyoung would be able to feel the flowers in him as he coughs up even more petals. "hoonie, who is it?" soonyoung asks shakily. his voice is unsteady, and all jihoon wants to do is shout at soonyoung and plead with him to please love hin back. but jihoon doesn't break up relationships, and he wants soonyoung to be happy, so he just shakes his head.

"i don't know," he lies. _it's you_.

"are you... getting the surgery?"

"no. definitely no."

"but, doesn't that mean you may die?"

"i'd rather die from loving him, than get the surgery and remove all feelings for him." soonyoung opens his mouth like he's about to protest, but jihoon interrupts him. "you would do it too if it were seokmin." soonyoung shuts up, and there's an uncomfortable silence. instead, soonyoung offers a hand to jihoon and helps him up, before linking pinkies with him.

"let's go home. you're my best friend, and seokmin can wait."

soonyoung walks him home that day, and every other day after that. jihoon knows soonyoung has to stop before the flowers bloom even more and suffocate him, but it feels nice. so, he doesn't complain. he just lets the carnations feed on soonyoung's presence, and lets himself enjoy how nice it is to link pinkies with soonyoung. it's the closest he can get to being boyfriends with soonyoung, and he'll take all he can get.

  
jeonghan thinks a lot. jihoon always says that he's a daydreamer, that jeonghan would probably still be thinking on his death bed, probably about what afterlife is like. he thinks about how tiring it is to balance college and a part time job, but how seeing how happy jihoon is makes it worth slogging to pay their college fees. it's not like jihoon doesn't sell self-composed songs to help too, anyway. he thinks about how much seungcheol would like jihoon, but would probably be intimidated by him the first time they meet, even though he's older. he thinks about jihoon's hanahaki, and watches as soonyoung seems closer to jihoon than ever. he thinks they're dating, but he's not too sure. he hopes they are, because it means that jihoon would be cured.

but god has a cruel sense of humor, because the moment he walks into their apartment, he can hear jihoon crying. jeonghan is trying his best to comfort him, and between choked sobs he makes out that soonyoung is dating some horse-faced guy called seokmin, that soonyoung still doesn't know that jihoon is fucking dying because of him, and that the flowers are getting worse. there's no way to convince jihoon to get the surgery, jeonghan realizes. he really doesn't mind dying for soonyoung.

for the first time in him life, jeonghan prays. he prays for a miracle.

  
"can i... can i kiss you?" it's sudden, jihoon knows, but when soonyoung is lying down in his bed, hair messy and staring intently at jihoon himself as he plays the guitar. it feels so domestic, and he can't help but like it.

"what? why?"

"it's just... i've never had my first kiss before, and i think i'm going to die without ever having it. i just want to know how it feels like. isn't it ironic? i've been writing love songs but i've never been on a date, and i still haven't had my first kiss."

"i'm... okay."

the kiss is sweet, and soft, and so shy. they're both tense, but jihoon just feels... content. he feels like maybe since soonyoung agreed, he has a chance. maybe soonyoung could love him back. jihoon knows better, but he'd rather pretend he doesn't. his desperation makes him a fool, but fools can have their happy endings, right?

  
the first time jihoon passes out, he wakes up in a hospital. he can feel the warmth of the overly white lights, and the iv drip stuck in his wrist cannot be ignored. his nose is assaulted by the sterile smell of antiseptic, and he's so overwhelmed by everything. he's exhausted and confused, and jeonghan is next to him worrying, mumbling a mantra of "please be okay."

he can hear the rubber soles of sport shoes squeaking against the floor as someone enters, so he decided to sleep to avoid the whole drama that he knows is about to ensue.

"you have the fucking cheek to show up here," jeonghan snarls, and he's never heard or seen jeonghan so angry before. it kind of worries jihoon actually, but he knows it's nothing compare dot how worried jeonghan is about him.

"what do you mean? he's my best-"

"are you stupid? you, soonyoung, are the reason why my brother is in that hospital bed right now! can't you see how blind you are? he loves you! he loves you so much, he'd rather die than have his feelings for you cut out. he said that you'd be heartbroken when you find out he can't feel anything for you anymore. he kept caring about you! it was always about you, never him, and now he's in a hospital bed, and he's going to die!"

"i... i never knew that he..."

"save it. do you love him, or not?"

"i mean, i like him as a friend-" jihoon feels like his heart is impaled when he hears this. it's one think to know it, and another thing entirely to hear it actually slip out of soonyoung's lips. he's trying his best to keep quiet, but all he wants to do is tell jeonghan to shut up, to tell soonyoung that it's all a joke and that he should just carry on with his life and be truly happy like he deserves to be. he wants to tell soonyoung that he knows he will not be happy with him, and to not even try. jihoon is a selfish man, and he knows it, but he's not selfish enough to stop his love from being happy.

"loving him as just a friend is not good enough, and you know it."

"i... i promise. i'll chase him. i'll court him and i'll learn to love him." the carnations in his lungs used to be a dead weight, but they suddenly feel slightly lighter. there's relief and excitement surging through his bloodstream in insurmountable amounts, and jihoon realizes this may be the start of a new chapter.

  
soonyoung breaks up with seokmin the next day, and asks jihoon out on a date after that. it's at the coffee shop that they went to the second time they met, and nostalgia is flooding jihoon. he remembers rose teas and mochas, plush seats and oak tables. he remembers inside jokes and stolen glances, remembers slowly falling in love. he remembers the doctor saying that the flowers should stop growing, and eventually will be all coughed out though there should be no blood, but he should start feeling better by tomorrow. he remember soonyoung's sunshine smile when he heard the news, and him apologizing for putting jihoon through all of this.

he wonders what would have happened if they never met.

  
kwon soonyoung is twenty, born and raised in namyangju. kwon soonyoung loves flowers, especially carnations, since he grew up surrounded by them. his mother made jihoon a bouquet to take home the first time she met him. kwon soonyoung is a double major, in dance and music composition. soonyoung prefers tea to coffee, jackets to pullovers, physical books to ibooks. jihoon can't help but see in him superlatives - soonyoung has the prettiest eyes jihoon has ever seen, the brightest smile, the nicest laugh. he is like a fucking angel, kind to everyone he meets, smiles at the ahjumma who sells them jjajjangmyun, and lee jihoon perfectly understands why he loves him. it's hard not to love someone like him.

kwon soonyoung is also painfully obvious when it comes to seokmin, so when jihoon finds himself throwing up more carnation petals than ever, tainted with blood even though the doctor said they wouldn't be, he's not surprised at all. he just wants to cry.

 


	2. alternative ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as jihoon laces his fingers with soonyoung's, he doesn't just think, he knows everything will be alright.

jihoon doesn't stop coughing up petals immediately, and waves of shame wash over soonyoung, because he's the reason jihoon is suffering. it's not even as if he's never loved jihoon, and that worsens everything by tenfold. if he had the guts to ask him out in the first place, maybe all of this could've been avoided. either way, he just needs to find his feelings for jihoon again.

kwon soonyoung once had a crush on jihoon. from the very start, ever since he saw jihoon, call him cliche or a liar but he found himself attracted to him. jihoon always sat alone in music composition lectures somewhere in the front of the lecture theater, always kept quiet, and vanishes immediately after lessons end. lee jihoon's an enigma, stars in his eyes, leaving behind nothing in his trail.

enter soonyoung, boisterous and lovestruck. the first time they talk is at blossoming, and soonyoung is nervous but he still has to do his job properly. what's not included in the job scope: finding an excuse to hold jihoon's hand, but all that matters is that he has finally talked to the shy and quiet lee jihoon instead of staring at him like a creep.

the next lesson, he sits in jihoon's seat to get his attention and give himself an excuse to talk to jihoon, and it ends up in getting jihoon's number and going on a not-date. of course, minghao and junhui get their hope up when he tells them, interrupting him and going on about how their soonyoungie grew up and finally has the balls to make a move- wait, what does he mean by that they're still just friends?

it hurts him to remember too, because he can't stop thinking about how time-pressed he is to learn to love jihoon back.

  
soonyoung likes a lot of things. he likes the feeling of sand between his toes, likes japanese food, likes taking candids of people because it's feels the most real. he likes choreographing and dancing, to the extent that since he was young, he knew that he wanted to pursue a career in dance. he likes flower crowns and pastel colors. he also really likes lee jihoon. he likes how quiet jihoon, how jihoon likes to put up a front and act like he's emotionless when in reality he has a soft spot for his friends. he likes his smile, his voice, his compositions and talent.

in short, kwon soonyoung liked lee jihoon a lot, and it's pretty obvious that jihoon's his favorite person.

he wouldn't call this love, though. if you asked him if he could see himself spending the rest of his life with jihoon, he'd say no, because he's genuinely unsure if he'd want to. so, when seokmin asked him out, he thought he might as well accept it and test the waters. after all, it'll do nothing to pine after jihoon, so he starts to put away his feelings for jihoon.

seokmin is the complete opposite of jihoon, cheerful and energetic and a mood maker. it feels so liberating to have his feelings reciprocated, but he's not sure if he can love seokmin, even though they've been together for two weeks. he's not sure if he's actually crushing on seokmin, or only likes the feeling of being loved back by someone. he hopes it's love, though.

of course, that's all until jihoon's life is dangling by a string. it's only then that soonyoung realizes he's willing to let go of everything, of seokmin, just to ensure that jihoon would live. it's so unfortunate that he had to realize jihoon loved him back the whole time, especially after he thinks he's gotten over jihoon.

he's wrong to a certain extent, he supposes. he still likes jihoon, quite a bit actually. he wants to hold jihoon's hand and tell him he loves him and kiss him. he wants to go on dates with jihoon and make him smile. but, it's hard to let go of seokmin, his first proper relationship, and he's so scared he'll fail jihoon. but, he has to try.

  
okay, so maybe soonyoung likes being a dramatic little shit, because getting over seokmin wasn't as hard as he made it out to be. after a week, he's ready to accept that maybe he did have a crush on seokmin, but it definitely isn't love.

he knows it's not love because he can imagine a future where him and seokmin aren't together. he knows it isn't love, because love is learning to embrace every single flaw about them, is about learning to compromise and not clashing until one of them gives in. he can't count the number of times he and seokmin argued over something very petty, but soonyoung is weak and doesn't like conflict so he gives in very fast. he can't stand how seokmin is like a giant man-child at times, but tries his best to brush it off.

love, he realizes, is what he found when he was with jihoon, not seokmin. jihoon can be infuriatingly stubborn at times, and snaps at people easily, but soonyoung knows jihoon never means it, and that sometimes it's just better to let jihoon have his way. he knows that jihoon always apologizes after he calms down, always discreetly seeks for reassurance that soonyoung's not mad. with jihoon, it's easy to meet in the middle, because once he says he doesn't want something, jihoon usually tries to work out a compromise between them. jihoon is caring and thoughtful, is sharp-tongued and cold at times, and soonyoung loves every part of jihoon. he can't seem to figure out why he used to be unsure if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with jihoon, because right now, it's the only thing he wants to do.

so maybe seokmin is more of a schoolboy crush, and with realizing that, soonyoung lets go. he knows that even if they stayed together chances are they'll break up anyway, once the novelty of being together wears off. but, the butterflies he gets from being around jihoon, they never truly leave, he supposes. soonyoung throws himself fully into loving jihoon, and he's no longer scared of having his heart broken. though, he can't believe it took so long for him to realize that love has been staring him right in the face this whole time. soonyoung learns. he learns jihoons quirks and habits, learns the curve of his cupid bow and hips, learns why jihoon would die for him, would die loving him, because he would too if it was for jihoon.

the first week was rough, because jihoon was still throwing up bloodstained petals and soonyoung felt so bad. it was all his fault to him, but jihoon never stopped telling him that it isn't, reminding him that even if it was he'd forgive soonyoung in a heartbeat. after that week, it's like the blood mysteriously vanished. it's no mystery, actually. you can see it in soonyoung's eyes that he wants to protect jihoon with his life. you can see it from how jihoon acts that he's in love with soonyoung. you can see that they're in love, and it's alright.

as jihoon laces his fingers with soonyoung's, he doesn't just think, he knows everything will be alright.

  
lee jihoon is also twenty, and a busan boy. lee jihoon composes songs in his free time, and sells them to entertainment companies. he writes about everything, from love to friendship to breakups to gag songs. he even once composed a song that sound meaningful to people who don't understand korean but are actually just his dreams as a rookie of wanting to be popular. lee jihoon is cold, calculative, and emotionless to strangers, but soonyoung can always see past it. lee jihoon cares a lot about what people think about him, even if he tries to hide it. lee jihoon is adorable, with his soft smile and ever-changing hair. he dyed his hair again after the pink faded to honey brown, but he still looks like a fairy.

lee jihoon is also kwon soonyoung's lover, his best friend, his everything, and soonyoung proudly embraces that fact. things aren't perfect, per se. they clash, and sometimes soonyoung worries that jihoon is fed up with his immaturity, but at the end of the day he's always there to reassure him that he still loves him, that he'll love him no matter what happens. sometimes jihoon doesn't come home the whole night and it worries soonyoung to no end, but he'll always text him where he is in case soonyoung worries, and soonyoung appreciates it.

tonight, jihoon is home instead of cooped up in the studio. he flicks through a magazine as soonyoung picks out a movie to put on, and it feels incredibly domestic. nayoung, their kitten, is curled up on jihoon's stomach as she naps, and the kettle in the kitchen is whistling. "can you get it?" soonyoung doesn't even need to be asked, actually, because he's already making his way to the kitchen.

it is drizzling outside, but it's warm in their apartment, and soonyoung doubts he has ever been happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [for @tinydoodler]
> 
> honestly i never intended to write an alternative ending? the actual ending is supposed to be where jihoon hides the fact that he's not recovering and ends up dying, but i mean,, i need to stop making jihoon suffer right?

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: the story was originally not planned to be a fic, and instead was about two girls + throughout planning the ending was changed three or four times before going back to a simplified version of the original (the original ended with a funeral) though at some point in time it was meant to be a happy ending. also have changed the title three times since posting amazing.
> 
> [talk to me via tumblr!](https://woozwhy.tumblr.com/)


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